Blog or Voyager, Been there, done that...

I posted a comment elsewhere today based on an event that to people outside of New Zealand would possibly seem mundane & an every day occurrence - a woman was assaulted in the inner city, a complete stranger intervened & was murdered in cold blood by the woman’s attacker.

But it’s not that simple, it’s indicative of our core values as a nation and as people that I hope will not be diluted in the same way the proud Polynesian culture has been hijacked by the American Gangsta rapper culture that deserves nothing less than banishment from the media as the bests means of eradicating the appalling values it promotes.

Read the article & try to understand how core it is to the values people like me have instilled from our earliest years. Stabbing victim’s family visit murder scene

People such as this special yet typical Kiwi will never hesitate to do what needs to be done including intervening in situation such as this with high probability of personal risk.

The tears I shed while watching his friends & colleagues interviewed were a combination of pride, deep sorrow for his family & friends, rage that someone felt it an appropriate response to his intervention in an assault upon another to stab & kill him to a set of values I hold that might not be so popular that despite this situation the perpetrator will be treated gently and with every consideration for his “rights”

Do I endorse violent response - no but at times it is the only appropriate outcome. I grew up in an environment where violence was commonplace and an acceptable response yet for 52 years have managed to avoid ever needing to cause anyone physical harm as part of resolving a confrontational situation. Would I resort to violence if I had to - yes & very effectively, brutally & with a swift finality to ensure the safety of myself & those I choose to protect yet I have always succeeded in using my brain and instincts as the best defence (and at times offence).

Long may this be a nation dominated by those who will not hesitate to intervene in defence of complete strangers & those in need of support, rescue or compassion without regard for personal risk or consequence.

Rest in peace Austin Hemmings - may your bravery & selfless courage create something special & important in this special nation.

Another debate often connected to discussions related to my intensity addiction is one around monogamy. It started with a very dear friend I met through the industry, some years later she terminated the friendship as a result of changes in her life & my sometimes caustic humour reserved for those I care about (the shock of that situation has curbed the worst of my twisted humour) and has been long running debate with others around a phrase we agreed on which is “monogamy sucks”

So few understand what is really meant. The few I know who understand my perspective and share most of the opinions have helped develop the thought yet it is a hard one to openly live.

What do I mean ? Firstly it’s not about what is commonly called an open relationship nor is it about random sex. It’s about the reality for more than care to openly admit that we find it impossible to fulfil all of our intellectual, emotional, physical & sexual needs with one person till death us do part. What few understand is that despite this we seek & will commit to one person who will be the one we choose to share our life, I refer to this as the constant I seek in my life.

Again, many see it as an excuse for sexual adventures and fulfilment of the carnal urges yet in my situation a number of those I spend my time with in intense yet short encounters are either entirely or predominantly non-sexual in nature.

Yes, there is a sexual thread to it ranging from the delightfully casual sharing of pleasure between good friends through exploring sensations & adventures to deeply intense mutual gratification of the sensual & sexual entanglement of two deeply committed people who are as committed when they are apart & with others as when they are together.

So many see it as weak & indulgent, to me it takes far more intellectual & emotional maturity to share and balance your life with more than one person than closing our souls & minds to the world & trying to find all of our needs in one person.

Have I even come close to finding what I seek - hell no but I do have a few good friends with whom I share conversation, companionship, support & when it suits both great sex (and sometimes OK sex that isn’t an issue given the mutual understanding of each other). The Virgo & Monkey aspects of my life encapsulate the lifelong search for “the one” but it is a search balanced with the reality that we will both share our lives with others.

Not happy that I’m expressing myself clearly - will post this one as is & come back to it …

Lately I’ve had cause to consider a subject I’ve touched on before and it’s a frequent subject of discussions I find myself involved in.

The simple version is the intensity of connections made with people involved in the sex industry (and no that isn’t always about carnal pleasures !)

The connections I’ve made either in a professional or personal sense have some very important things in common & the words that spring to mind are intensity, passion (for life), depth (of personality), honesty (often too brutal for the meek & mild) and intuition (as in the well honed skill to very quickly assess people and decide if they’re friend or foe, good or bad, keeper or reject).

I find it increasingly rare to find people in the other aspects of my life who have the same mix and strength of these essential elements of any personality capable of gaining let alone holding my attention. Doesn’t make them bad people or that I bore easily it’s more a matter of the challenge to find those I want to share the journey with.

Nor is it a matter of thinking that those (or the one) I ultimately seek will be somehow connected to the sex industry, more a perception of probability.

Perhaps it’s also to do with the intensity and directness I apply to my interactions with others. I’m very aware that my aversion to shallow conversation and sacrificing truth for the comfort of others in conversational sense doesn’t sit well with many.

Then again I’d rather be alone than compromise what drives me and makes me the human I am. Fortunately both aspects of the mythology behind my personality traits (Virgo & Monkey) are very patient when it comes to such things & happy to enjoy the encounters made during the lifelong quest.

With my life having been on hold for far too long I decided that a few days away presented the perfect opportunity to have some fun & see if all systems still function to at least minimum standard.

Outcomes were:

1. I met someone who is amongst the top few sex workers I have had the privilege of spending time with - consummate professional, truly special person and a sex goddess !

2. The service she works out of also rates very highly, I intend to meet the person behind the voice on the phone, very committed to her charges as well as the industry.

3. A lesson was learned in listening to good advice - the original one I had in mind wasn’t available & at first I hesitated when the one I finally saw was recommended. The advice was spot on & a wonderful time was had.

4. System check was passed with honours, without giving away any details I know that she was more than happy with events & I’m still quietly smiling.

Voyager might not be back on the twisted pathways that open up in front of him just yet but the systems are powering up & the wicked grin is back.

Three more sleeps before the biggest excuse becomes invalid.

That doesn’t mean the punter side of my personality is out of retirement, I will still use the industry to explore & have fun but my focus remains on finding similar intensity, passion & fulfilment in my personal adventures as I have had/will have in the professional ones.

In between the very tactile explorations on Wednesday night there was good conversation including one around why the majority of my (very few) close friends are in some way connected to the sex industry. While that will more than likely remain the case I know that I’ve neglected opportunities to establish similar friendships from other spheres.

Enough for now - feeling good about life, time to turn that into encounters that feed the fires deep within.

Well the excuses are being stripped away and certainly emotionally I’ve been emerging from the (not so) safe place I’ve been hiding in for the past few months.

So far it has been small steps. Warm feelings from a truly special friend staying a few days while she was in Auckland, finding that I’m well adjusted to the warm glow of sharing a bed with her with the brief sexual flirtation of last year behind us yet fondly remembered. Still one of the cutest butts I’ve had the privilege of observing in close quarter though

Interested to observe myself dealing with daughter during that stay - she handled it well and we had one of our better nights together the last night before friend headed home. I was happy to take the flack from other friends as to why I felt it necessary to explain to daughter that said friend was staying, would be sleeping with me and that we don’t touch let alone have sex (yes, I did omit the fact that we have briefly enjoyed good sex in the past). My way of containing a long running issue, I feel no guilt and it worked for all concerned.

Another developing friend I’ve met from another forum has predicted that I’ll go a little wild once I have my life back to myself - maybe I will but sorry that person, it will be kept private (maybe)

More a matter of being free to be true to myself rather than my self imposed focus on the needs & feelings of others rather than myself.

There are some I’ve neglected contact with, hopefully they will be receptive to renewed contact, maybe there are new adventures awaiting a monkey with a hunger for fun, new playmates, the lifelong hunt for the ones who will be with me for the remainder of the journey.

I feel myself becoming more open & direct, more focussed on what works & what doesn’t. More willing to open up my life with a couple of exceptions.

So, 11 more sleeps & I’m out of excuses and the voyage will resume.

Continuing from the becalmed post over the weekend I was reminded of just how badly I’ve let my life get out of control and more importantly how I’m letting the expectations of others control how I behave.

It was a simple situation yet I’m still kicking myself (and apologising to the person I was with). I took a friend to the supermarket - yes friend & only that, admittedly a dominant one but a friend. By chance my ex wife was there, found out by chance exchange of text & phone calls & I walked out rather than risk a chance encounter & ensuing dramas. I have never felt so low, I went back but too late for me, the friend is very understanding but deep inside I’m still screaming.

What is it that drives me to such despicable behaviour in the supposed name of keeping the peace & protecting others from their frailties/faults ? Just as I avoid having lovers or female friends in my home while my daughter is present in order to avoid upsetting her.

I’ve taken a week or so from serious encounters to recover & sort myself out. Meeting up with two people I’m slowly getting to know from a message board not so far away. It will be good therapy, two people more than capable of challenging me & so far the cyber exchanges with them tell me that I’ll like them as people & fellow travellers on the twisted pathways of life’s glorious journey.

I think I have been working my way round to this post for some time.

I have found myself bemused & frustrated by the situation I find myself in accentuated by the clear knowledge that it is a mess of my own making.

As has been exposed in previous posts such as bonfire or precursor and sifting through the detritus I have exposed a little of the nature of my core personality that regularly sees me alone more than is warranted.

I’m very conscious of my poor self image that is well hidden behind a confident and at times assertive façade. I’m also conscious of long gaps in my sex life despite having confidence as a lover when I let myself along with some natural ability that I have had the fortune to have had tutored by wonderful lovers in the past, as I am aware that no two entanglements or tastes are the same or that ability means compatibility in all cases.

My monkey nature means passion & intensity when with someone yet (in most instances) the ability to move on to the next adventure quickly yet always seeking the one who will captivate me above all others.

So why do I find myself becalmed in terms of sex, sensuality and most importantly bereft of someone close to my life to share a combination of companionship, sex, sensuality and the enjoyment of life’s grand adventure ?

For those who are still with me, even more for those who think all of this is leading to something deep & meaningful I’m afraid you might be about to be disappointed. The solutions to my current malaise are quite simple (I can hear a few who know me groaning by now )

Continuing on from the recent posts I am determined and working hard to reclaim my life for me, for possibly the first extended period of my life put myself first & foremost potentially at the cost of others. Scary.

I’m going to stop pretending that some of the alter egos I have used in the past to express parts of my personality are somehow not really me - I accept that Conrad & and the others are me, not just a passing game to be played out then locked back in the cupboards of my personality.

I’m going to stop allowing myself to avoid reality with too many games. I’m not pretending that I won’t dabble in a little mildly kinky fun from time to time but the real quest is for people to share the pathways, highs & lows & debates to be enjoyed along the way.

So, Voyager is still evolving. There will be no miracles but far more resolve and far more clarity as to what does & doesn’t work mixed in with a lot more blunt honesty when it isn’t working.

Hell, one day I might even post my real name & use a photo rather than hiding behind my monkeys

So, I’ve been prompted by several people that my update is overdue.

Yes, there was a meeting over pizza to discuss the matter at hand but was there a clear outcome ?

In real terms no but progress was made and if nothing else there was the chance to catch up with a very special friend who is no more no less than that despite the misguided interpretations it seems some are applying to the nature of the connection between us.

I had no expectations that I would make a dramatic breakthrough with such deeply ingrained issues, the positive part was the robust conversation with a treasured friend who challenges me to the point that we have had several extended periods where we have broken contact completely (never my fault of course )

My personal challenges are exactly that, being deep & strong enough to change the ingrained behaviours and start living my own life for me rather than others yet remaining conscious of the impact I have on the lives of those I care for.

Then a week later a very interesting lunch encounter with people from another web presence talking about life, sex, sensuality, the sex industry & much more. To those who were there it was a special encounter that meant a lot to me and I hope we’ll all keep the faith & meet up as appropriate. For me it reinforced that there are people out there who understand & support what I am just beginning to share (and yes, that some of you struggle with my intense & breathless communication style), on the flip side that there are good people to meet up with and debate the entanglements of life.

My personal life challenges are still with me, had a very “interesting” night tonight where my ability to take a calm and balanced approach was deeply challenged but I emerged positive yet watchful over situations that might yet need intervention.

And the precursor ? Well that’s the flame that good friends and acquaintances light beneath me to take up the challenge & move forward on the basis I have laid down for myself for the second half of my life.