 Sogeshirts.com presents: Blog of masterful entertainment
The Soge shirts blog is entertaining like a funny clown without the creepiness factor. It may not be the most politically correct blog but we intend no ill will to our readers, except to the Amish, who aren't allowed to use the internet. We respect all peoples viewpoints and beliefs but believe that there is room in there to make light of some things, as who wants to be so serious all the time.
The first human clone
He's on American Idol, an E news show, hosts a radio program in southern California, co hosts rocking new years eve with Dick Clarke I'm convinced that Ryan Seacrest has cloned himself. There is no other possible way he can do all these things at once and stay that cheery and androgynous. He must have cloned himself or made enthusiastic Simon Cowell handling robots of himself. I stick with the clone theory though because Seacrest still possesses some humanity amidst his smorgasbord of hollywood jobs. He's working so hard that even Oprah and Donald Trump are telling him to take it easy. There is this joke that Chuck Norris can defeat anything and anyone but I think he would get Seacrested. The Seacrest clones are too fast and too enthusiastic.
Seacrest may be a lot older than he looks. Who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby? Seacrest. Who built stonehenge? Seacrest clones of course and they whisteled the whole time. Most important why is the economy bad? The Seacrest borgs have taken up all the jobs and they aren't sharing. They especially are taking up all the waiter, concierge, and host jobs. You can't compete with their hard work, service with a smile, and the years of Simon Cowell putdowns have made them resistant to any negative complaints or shouts.
The question is how can you stop the Seacrest army? First of all bazookas don't work. The best way is to counter the enthusiasm of a Seacrest is with mega enthusiasm. Seacrest will then attempt to supermegaoutpep you and may self destruct. Do not use any drugs when attempting to outsunshine the seacrest as he has drug sniffing dogs partnering up with Seacrests all over town that will bite. Also cause drugs are bad mmkay. Science may not be ready for human cloning but American Idol, E news daily, star 107.1, stonehenge, and waiter jobs are so be careful out there.
New weeks resolutions
People love to make new years resolutions but I don't even bother. Goals are great and all, but year long goals are too general and long term for me. In my opinion making new day resolutions or new week resolutions is a lot more effective. A new years resolution of losing 40 pounds sounds like a great goal but there is no timetable leaving not much personal responsibility. If you're a regular gym user how often have you seen the person with the new headband and sweatpants show up to steal the last treadmill in January? Instead of being angry I laugh cause I know by February he will be seen less at a gym than a rap artist performing at the country music awards.
Its not that the guys new years goal was a bad one its just that he didn't pace himself. Its like trying to sprint in a marathon. If he set a weekly goal of going to the gym three times a week he would not be stressed out trying to burn all his holiday fat. Going to the gym is a skill just like anything else. You're not going to be ripped like Arnold overnight just like someone learning to cook isn't going to be Rachel Ray by February. Set tiny daily goals reach those goals and keep improving. Do this and next year you can brag about keeping up with your new years resolutions while I sit on the couch stuffing myself with see's candies.
company halt
I just don't trust companies any more. Job security in this day and age seems rarer than a solar eclipse occurring on leap year. Budget cuts are more common than paper cuts and it seems that quality employees are being dropped like a cruel game of hot potato. Sadly with this economy in shambles many people are desperate for get not poor schemes as get rich schemes don't seem in reach. Many people are making money scamming the unemployed people out of money which is revolting and disgusting.
Right now the best option in this day and age seems to be to start a honest business from home within a particular niche market. The other option seems to be finding small opportunities on the internet to get paid doing surveys, copywriting, promoting companies that want to whore out products, and my favorite begging for donations. Honestly I don't blame anyone anymore for trying to make money legally by any means necessary. I used to laugh at an episode of the Simpsons where homer urged people to send one dollar to happy dude if they wanted to be happy. Now its a genius idea. In fact I heard of this website where this guy begged for five dollar bills and made like 20 thousand dollars. Online begger or entrepreneur genius? In this day and age who cares what the label is as long as you have money in your bank account.
Orgyvision
One thing I can't stand about television is for characters who belong to a tight knit group of friends or colleagues to all have sex with each other. This concept I call Orgyvision. Take Grey's Anatomy for example. Every character on that show has partner switched more often than Illinois Governors get sent to prison. How do these fictional surgeons have time to operate on any patients when they are always operating on each other?
Saved by the bell got it right. That show believed in monogamy. Zach and Kelly, Slater and Jesse, Screech and his hand. Nothing scandalous there, just wacky teenagers growing up normal in high school. Contrary to Saved by the Bell the show Friends was another one of the orgy bed hopping TV series. Despite Ross and Rachel being in love the six friends were extremely friendly with one another. Even Joey and Rachel hooked up at one point. I don't even want to know what Ross did with his pet monkey. Say what you want about Polygamists but at least in Polygamy people get married. Although they need to let women take multiple husbands as it would guarantee someone would take out the trash.
The message that television provides to young kids is build friendships and relationships with the opposite sex. If something goes wrong in your main relationship hook up with one of your best friends later in the week. That certainly won't lead to any dire consequences down the line.
On the TV show Lost Kate is in a love triangle with Sawyer and Jack. To boost ratings this season she needs to get with Sayid, Hurley, the Smoke Monster, and a Coconut. Can you imagine what orgyvision would have been like if it spread to cartoons such as the smurfs? Poor Smurfette and Vanity Smurf would be sore (yes he's a dude). I suppose the bright side would be no more blue balls.
Unfortunately I think orgyvision is here to stay. Ratings are king and nothing is more intriguing to humans than watching others make bed hopping an olympic sport. Jerry Springer and tabloid magazines would not have thrived if this wasn't the case. I leave this discussion with this final thought... Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
We gotta kill hitler bro
In the upcoming movie Valkyrie Tom Cruise plays a German officer in the Nazi army who hatches a plot to kill Hitler. I find it kind of amusing from the previews just how non German Cruise sounds. Why not get Pierce Brosnan, Hugh Jackman, and Kermit the frog to play the part. Then you have English German, Australian German, and Muppet Frog German. Without a trace of a German accent Cruise declares that we have got to kill Hitler. I think a guy whose character's name is Claus should at least be drinking a Beck's or listening to some David Hasselhoff techno song. Plus without subtitles or a German accent the task of killing Hitler using an American accent doesn't seem as urgent.
Claus: Bro we gotta kill Hitler. Hes such a dick.
English German: Go away I'm watching Abbot and Costello. I still have no idea who is on first.
Claus: Dude that can wait. I'll buy you a best of Abbot and Costello movie reel now lets shoot that bitch ass mustache wearer.
English German: Throw in a Chaplin movie reel.
Claus: Fine man but you got to make me my favorite German dish when we're done.
English German: Hot dogs and apple pie it is.
Twitter glossary updated
I like using twitter to keep up with my favorite blogs and let my many awesome extremely intelligent and remarkable fans know that I have a new blog post to annoy them er entertain them with. One thing that I love about twitter is its 140 character limit. This forces me to send little short blurbs that hopefully get to the point. Usually these points are whining. Twitter is great for whining. I like complaining about the 70 degree and sunny weather out here in southern california to my twitterati buddies just to confuse and anger them. Nothing better than receiving a 140 character profanity laced tirade. In twitter when you send a message its called a tweet. I'm sure they would have called it Tweeter if it wasn't for that stupid electronics store. When i send a message its called a twit. Tweets are important my twits are usually stupid and pointless like having a 162 game baseball regular season. If you're new to twitter here is some lingo used in the twitter world.
Twitthore- basically a person that sends more that 200 messages on twitter a day and updates their status every five seconds. A twit whore if you will.
taking a twit- people that take the what are you doing a little too seriously and leave the status of their current bathroom activities.
twatters- people like me who like to bitch on twitter. "my dog died today" boo hoo you twatter. Just kidding thats pretty sad.
twitty- people who can be witty and amuse via twitter. If you are fortunate enough to have some of these as friends bleed them for all the entertainment you can get.
Twitting the hay- When twitter decides to crap out and have technical problems preventing tweets from being sent.
pitch twitter- somebody who tweets for one of their friends while their friend is on vacation.
big twitties- No its not about boobs you pervs, although I wish it was. Big twitties are members of twitter that have over 3,000 followers and can influence the social media spectrum with one tweet.
too legit to twit- Bloggers who think be a magpie, the service that pays people to occasionally put ads in their tweets, is a bad idea or pretty lame.
pity twittys- messaging someone on your twitter friend list not because they have something interesting to say but because they are lonely.
Follow me on twitter at twitter.com/sogeshirts
Vampires always get the girl
With the movie twilight pulling in 70 million opening weekend its safe to say that the ladies love vampires. The vampire as a romantic character has existed throughout time and the fascination by women with vampires is to me driven by the whole neck fetish vampires have. Despite their affinity for necks the vampires goal is to not trigger one of the women's erogenous zones, but instead to bite the neck and suck up the blood.
Yet sensitive vampires sell and are all over the place. Sensitive vampires such as Edward from Twilight or Angel from Buffy the vampire slayer will choose hot passion with a mortal over their thirst for blood. Yes usually the vampires cast in movies such as Interview with the vampire and Twilight etc are considered by most women to be good looking guys, but why do vampires get more action than other monsters? Zombies are hideously ugly and I don't believe there has ever been a romantic zombie movie where the zombie gets the normal girl. Perhaps if the zombie decided to eat womens earlobes while first nibbling on their ears to warm up instead of brains he would get more play. Certainly like vampires zombies must occasionally have a sensitive young monster who cares more about the girl than the delicious ear lobe he can devour.
Another thing is why are vampires always skinny? You never see a vampire with a beer belly. They are always fit and in shape. It would be kinda funny to see an out of shape vampire try frantically to find a female to seduce/catch and fail miserably. Vlad the inhaler or something. For some reason I don't think the overweight sensitive vampire will be quite the hit with the ladies.
Monopoly's Mr. Moneybags falls on hard times
This week Soge Shirts got to interview Mr. Moneybags from the board game monopoly. He has fallen on hard times during this economic crisis as he is unable to sell any of his properties since no one has money to buy. We caught up with him sniffing glue at Baltic avenue.
Soge shirts: Mr. Moneybags I just saw that you were trying to sell Marvin Gardens on craigslist for 3000 dollars? Is that true?
Mr. Moneybags: Hell yes its true do you think 3000 is too high? I can go lower I'll sell it to you for twelve bucks and a dime bag.
Soge shirts: No thanks. With no income coming in how are you adjusting to your life as a common man?
Mr. Moneybags: Not very well I'll tell you what. I used to have three ways with miss scarlett from clue and Princess Frostine from candyland. Last week I hooked up with Mr. Peanut and Pop from Rice krispies.
Soge shirts: Well at least you popped a nut I hope just kidding.
Mr. Moneybags starts to cry.
Soge shirts: Sorry that was inappropriate. How are your investments in utilities and the railroads doing?
Mr. Moneybags: I sold those years ago to buy the first car to run on that corn shit. Who knew when times are tough that people would still pay for water and electricity.
Soge shirts: If the property market continues to hover or decline whats next for Mr. Moneybags?
Mr. Moneybags: I'm going to pass go 5000 times to make another million you asshole. I'll have to move in with my son or steal Wilfred Brimley's identity. We look somewhat alike.
Soge shirts: Aside from your tumbling finances do you have any regrets?
Mr. Moneybags: My ties to Halliburton really screwed me. I donated to the Bush campaign and thought that Cheney would make me billions with those sweet defense contracts but instead Cheney shot me in the back on a quail hunt.
James Bond should be bald
With the new Bond movie Quantum of Solace coming out tomorrow I thought it would be fun to give ten reasons why his life would be so much easier as a bald man.
1. He would be faster and more aerodynamic.
2. Bond could be funnier and played by someone such as Larry David from Curb your Enthusiasm.
3. He wouldn't have to deal with having all that sex all the time thus avoiding the femme fatale that always almost kills him.
4. He could settle down with Moneypenny and have children and their kids would be kidnapped all the time. Nevermind that would suck.
5. The opening credit songs featuring the naked silhouette girls would feature some head rubbing (not the fun kind)
6. Jason Statham would fulfill his mission to ruin the movie industry for the end of time.
7. Bond would probably be a wuss and pay money on his gambling winnings leading to movie titles such as IRS Internal Revenge service.
8. I can't come up with any more good reasons Bond would be horrible as a bald man.
Burger Wars
We've already seen commercials in which one burger company like Jack in the Box makes fun of McDonald's cause of a recent law allowing companies to directly mention/parody their own competition. I'm waiting for these Burger wars to get nasty like the presidential election. Below is an example of Burger King ripping on McDonalds.
Interior Mall of America.
Roland McDon'tald walks into the mall. He is similar to Ronald McDonald in every way except he has purple hair and grey lipstick instead of red hair and red lipstick. He also has a bit of a drinking problem and is stumbling about the mall like a deer that has just been hit by a car. Roland stumbles over to the first group of kids and parents who all look terrified.
Roland McDon'tald: Hey kids and baby makers.
Roland scratches his butt and coughs.
Roland McDon'tald: Lets go eat at McDonald's cause eating shitty poor people food is awesome.
A blond child begins to cry.
Roland McDon'tald: Oh come on. Here, I'll give you a toy.
Roland pulls out a broken beer bottle.
Blond mom: That's not a toy that's a broken beer bottle.
Roland McDon'tald: Give me a break lady I just joined a twelve step program.
Blond mom: Great.
Roland McDon'tald: Yeah I took twelve steps to the fridge to get another beer. I'm loving it.
The lady hits Roland with her purse and then the proverbial Burger King pops up on the screen.
Burger King: I'm the Burger King and I approve this message
Here is McDonalds counter attack ad:
The Burger King and Jack in the Box are passed out in a shack on a bed spooning. Jack wakes up confused and stares at the Burger King before waking him up.
Jack: Hey King wake up. How much heroin did we do last night?
Burger King: I don't know man. A lot... a whole lot.
Jack: We didn't do anything gay did we?
The Burger King smiles coyly.
Burger King: I don't know... you tell me.
Jack: You son of a bitch. You know I'm straight! I even got got out of the hot tub in the swingers commercial.
Burger King: Well you sure liked sausage in your biscuit last night.
Jack: Noooooooooooo!
Burger King: How can you be surprised? I'm always waking up in other guys beds. Wake up with the King.
Then Ronald McDonald pops up.
Ronald McDonald: I'm Ronald McDonald and I approve this message. Eat McDonald's and don't do heroin.
Top ten reasons you are an undecided voter
1. Your lifelong dream is to be in a focus group so you can meet CNN's Soledad O'brien
2. You aren't sure whether Joe the plumber is really a plumber, or even named Joe.
3. Either Obama is a communist, a socialist, and an Arab terrorist, or McCain is a really good liar.
4. You want McCain to mention that he met Bob the Builder before he gets your vote.
5. You are in your ninth year of undergrad studies and are still undeclared.
6. You know Biden is going to say something retarded, but you think Sarah Palin might be retarded.
7. You're more interested in who Paris Hilton picks as her assistant.
8. You like Obama, but you love Tina Fey and want to see her on SNL more.
9. You want to make sure that you are a real Pro American before you cast your vote.
10.You're a Democrat, but you bought the Palin porno and got too attached.
Sign Twirling
I find sign twirling as advertising to be very amusing. First of all when they hire the kid to twirl the sign upside down and spin it i can't see what company they are trying to promote. Maybe try a gentle sway or a light dip so i can see the barber shop I've been missing out on. The second thing about sign twirling is that everyone is doing it. In Rancho Bernardo a few months ago there were so many sign twirlers on every corner I was worried that they were going to form gangs. East sign versus West sign. That is a scary proposition. Another thought I just had was do people who sign twirl put sign twirler or sign holder on their resumes? I'm guessing not. Probably they put vice president of urban marketing or something like that.
One way to curb unemployment in this country is to use the homeless as sign twirlers. Homeless people are often holding up signs like will work for food, or veteran, or Why lie? I need a beer. ( I really saw this sign last week) All they need to do is shake the sign a bit more and show some more enthusiasm and they will get what they want from their old sign.
For those readers of mine that are into good music I recommend the rock band trouble in the wind. Take a listen at some of the songs from their myspace page and let me know what you think. http://www.myspace.com/troubleinthewind Also make sure to enter our blog review contest http://sogeshirts.blogspot.com/2008/10/blog-review-contest.html
Blog review contest
WIN A FREE T-SHIRT
My buddy Michael Wong and I are putting on a blog review contest. Here are the rules to participate.
1.Simply review both our sites in a few detailed paragraphs
A. http://bigmoneylist.blogspot.com
B.http://sogeshirts.blogspot.com/
2.Tell us your favorite shirt from http://sogeshirts.com
3.Please leave the review URL as a comment on both our blog sites.
The wonderful prizes are these
1st place winner: Free sogeshirts.com t-shirt of your choice + Reciprocal Review of your blog/ site from me.
2nd place winner: Reciprocal Review of your site from me.
3rd place winner: Small blurb and linkback
Contest closes on Novemember 12th.
The entries will be judged by blogging guru, Bridget Ayers over at http://thegetsmartblog.com/
 
Financial crisis: What me worry
Everyone knows that the stock market is taking a nose dive and the outlook for the U.S. Economy looks bleak. Financial panic is spreading across this nation, but is it really that big of a financial crisis? Of course it is, yet bad spending habits die hard. Are people cutting back on things that bring entertainment and small doses of happiness like movies or a starbucks latte? Not so much. Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the number one movie at the box office this week making over 29 million dollars. The movie got awful reviews with a 42 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but still people took their kids to see Paris Hiltons talking purse pets chatter away in bad Hispanic accents. Maybe the majority of those seeing this movie are at the top of the wealth elite in this country, but I highly doubt it.
This is America and we're going to keep paying 6 dollars for Milk duds on our credit cards and seeing bad movies like the upcoming unnecessary High School Musical 3. So suck it Fannie and Freddie, stick it where the sun don't shine Lehman brothers, and hit the road you failed banks like Washington mutual cause main street missed your freeway off ramp of shame. What's another 80 trillion in debt? I'll pay you back tomorrow China I swear it right after the Gap clearance sale ends.
Undecided voters
I really can't even fathom the concept of undecided voters this late in the Presidential race. Regardless of what political affiliation or denomination you are it is very clear this year that Obama and McCain pretty much differ on everything. Economic policy, foreign policy, how to handle the war, political ideology you name it the two candidates could not be more different. If you can't make up your mind after a whole year of seeing these guys on every news channel every day then you are unqualified to be voting. Just don't vote. Those that are still undecided must struggle to make decisions on many many things. Paper or plastic. Just pick one.
If you like corporations protected, limited government intervention, a health care tax credit, and staying in Iraq vote for McCain. If you like middle class tax cuts, more government intervention in economic policies, universal health care, and pulling out of Iraq vote for Obama. Its pretty easy to see the huge differences between these two candidates. Even the Odd couple would look at these two and think "dang we could have done a better job at being different." The differences are even further exacerbated when you look at each candidates running mates. If you like someone who is folksy, charming, and a Washington outsider vote for Palin. If you want someone who is experienced, polished, and knowledgeable vote for Biden. This is not apples and oranges this is apples and orangatang's. Step up to the plate undecideds and make your pick.
Terrible kids games
Remember those games as a kid that seemed designed to separate the awkward kids from the cool kids? Games like Duck, Duck, Goose , heads up seven up, and dodgeball. I hated those games with the exception of releasing all my child level anger by blasting a kid with a dodgeball. Duck, duck, goose might as well be called cool kid, cool kid, nerd and boy did I not like being the nerd. I would sit in that circle and nervously await my fate like a guy on death row waiting for the call from the governor. Sometimes the call would come and I wouldn't be picked, and other times I would be executed and be the exhausted little dweeb running in circles. Curse those ducks. Roast them up and cover them in a buttery glaze.
I also hated heads up seven up. Why ruin a good sleep? I can't be bothered with putting my thumb out there and having to try to figure out who tortured me by touching my thumb while my eyes are closed. All heads up seven up taught me is that it pays to cheat. Peeking made winning that game easier and more efficient than a Japanese car manufacturer. The bottom line though is when you got picked at heads up seven up you felt like you were spinning the chore wheel for the whole day.
Dodgeball has to be one of the most savage school games in the history of man kind. Even cavemen probably didn't play peg Bork with rock to weed out the weak and glorify the strong. For me dodgeball was ok as I was light and nimble, but could still throw and blast some unsuspecting kid with my golden arm. For other kids though it was just giving the biggest bullies in school another tool to terrorize the smaller weaker kids. It was like arming Hitler, Mussolini, Bin Laden etc with the biggest baddest nukes known to man and saying that it was legal to destroy everyone. At the very least the teachers who promoted this game should have had to get their whooping too. To give back to my community I think I will become a P.E. teacher. Will I change the curriculum to eliminate these heartless socially awkward games? No not at all. I'll get my revenge by ruining a whole new generation of kids. Lets go kids time for dodgeball. Big kids versus little kids.
 
Romeo and Juliet foreclosed
Lord Montague: Romeo time tis of the essence, our manor doth been foreclosed. We must live with the Capulets.
Romeo: The Capulets? Even Tybalt?
Lord Montague: Especially Tybalt. Thou art sharing a room with him.
Romeo: Anger surrounds me like tortured banshees trapped between two worlds.
Lord Montague: Quit being over dramatic. Fannie and Freddie doth crashed as well as Bear Sterns leading us to bunk up with the Capulets. Thou shall pack whilst I buy some Top Ramen at the marketplace.
~ Romeo and his father move in the with the Capulets. Romeo is in his room with Tybalt while Juliet pays him a visit. ~
Juliet: Dear Tybalt may I speak to Romeo lacking your presence?
Tybalt: What for? You going to bang?
~ Romeo slaps Tybalt in the face. ~
Romeo: Cease your mouth Tybalt you colossal menace. Hath you not learned to communicate with a lady?
Tybalt: You're such a giant douche Romeo. I'm not leaving this room so you guys will just have to get freaky in front of me. Besides I like to watch.
Juliet: Thou art thou art. Whatever. Romeo my love, living in the same manor and having our parents get along hath dimmed the romance of our once forbidden tryst.
Romeo: Tis true. Passion used to burn in the embers of our being but now that we share the same hamper and our parents break bread together its just not the same.
Tybalt: Ah poor babies why don't you just commit suicide you insufferable whiners.
~ Romeo takes a pillow and smashes it onto Tybalts head. ~
Tybalt: Oww you dick.
Juliet: Tybalt thou art a dick. Romeo and I couldn't afford the last drop of death at the pharmacy anyways. Alas killing ourselves now would also lack the tragic aspect of our families feud.
Romeo: Indeed.
~ Romeo gives Juliet a kiss. ~
Romeo: My dearest Juliet, I must leave you now... for my shift at Arby's starts in less than a quarter of the hour.
Tybalt: You better not put me on dish duty Romeo I hate dish duty.
Romeo: Not today Tybalt you shall learn the art of the toilet clean.
Tybalt: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
~ Tybalt dives under the bed and takes out a bottle with a skeleton on it. He unscrews the cap and downs it furiously. ~
Tybalt: Now I leave this wretched world.
~ Juliet starts laughing. ~
Juliet: Alas dumb cousin. We knew you would take the fools medicine so we switched it out with a dose of Powerade.
Tybalt: NOOOOOOOOOO its horrible.
 
Back to the couch
Summer sure is a great time of the year. The beach is nice, school is out, and the weather is nice and toasty. Oh wait most of us are adults and we still have to work during the summer. Screw summer and three cheers for fall. Especially three cheers for fall TV. I love to read but I usually only read when there is nothing good on TV and since summer TV is as entertaining as turtles mating, I read more books than a do nothing grad student. Tonight one of my favorite shows It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns to the air on FX at 10 pm. If you haven't seen it its the Seinfeld of the red bull drinking caffeine abusing generation. The show is outrageous and follows the antics of three bar owners, a bartender, and Danny Devito who plays the father of two of the characters. Political correctness does not exist in their world and the characters backstab each other to the point where the Desperate Housewives look like good people.
I'm a sucker for comedies and now my couch is going to have a giant lazy dent in it as I enjoy How I met your Mother, 30 Rock, South Park etc. If television rots the brain then how me explain this stoopid. TV is one of America's great past times as well as a great way to to pass time. Apple pie, baseball, and sitting on your ass for five hours every night. This is the American way. Welcome back old friend. Welcome back.
Hurricane names
Have you ever wondered who picks the hurricane names and why they picked that name? Probably not but I'm just weirder than you so I did some research. They pick hurricane names years in advance, and let me tell you there are some pretty crappy hurricane names. Hurricanes should have dickhead names like Ike ala Ike turner who was a dickhead. The name fits as the hurricane causes destruction and does whatever the heck it wants. Here are some awful upcoming hurricane names in the next few years.
2008 Hurricanes http://geography.about.com/od/physicalgeography/a/2008names.htm
1. Hurricane Nana- If the hurricane season makes it to the N"s which is very likely then here comes hurricane Nana. This hurricane is going to cause young children to be terrified of their grandmothers for life. No more apples pies and a warm smile. Now Nana is capable of blasting you with a fire hose. Truly a terrible hurricane name.
2. Hurricane Rene- Hurricane Rene just doesn't strike much fear into me. It's a french name so I'm going to assume the hurricane is going to surrender. I might become one of the idiots that tries to stay in my house until water comes past my head and I drown.
3. Tie for the last worst hurricane name of 2008 Hurricane Teddy/ Hurricane Wilfred- Teddy Ruxpin and teddy bear sales are about to plummet. Hurricane Wilfred is an odd choice for a hurricane name, but it makes those few unfortunate souls named Wilfred 300 percent tougher.
Hurricane names 2009 http://geography.about.com/od/physicalgeography/a/2009names.htm
The 2009 batch didn't really have any names that I could make stupid puns about so I'll pass.
Hurricane names 2010- http://geography.about.com/od/physicalgeography/a/2010hurricane.htm
1. Hurricane Hermine- Don't worry Harry Potter fans. Its Hermione not Hermine. Still this is a name that I didn't even know existed. Are their that many hurricanes out there that we have to resort to weird names? You aren't going to see Hermine at the gift shop for one of those novelty name plates.
2. Hurricane Igor- Igor's never win. They are always a hunchbacked servant of Dracula or a Russian bad guy in a James Bond movie, and now a Hurricane that will cause destruction. Might as well name the hurricane Lucifer or Adolf. Not too many Adolf's out there anymore.
3. Hurricane Virginie- I'm guessing most of the V names have been used but why not throw in some product placement in there and go with Hurricane Vlassic to support the jarred pickle industry? At least I would of heard of Vlassic.
There you have it. I wonder if I could get on the board of hurricane naming alliance and I wonder what their salaries are. If I ever do don't be surprised if you see Hurricane Soge shirts as we need all the google search hits we can get.
No Diggnity
Cults can be a scary thing. Jim Jones, David Koresh, heavens gate, and now Digg. For those who have never been sucked into the web of social media, Digg is a site where you can share news, articles, blogs, images and nerd enthusiasm . Their are no editors at digg and the stories with the most diggs or votes make the front page. Having an article hit the front page can lead to tens of thousands of hits. The competition on digg is fierce like trying to be a Chinese Olympic gymnast. Everyone wants to be a power digger for either popularity or financial gain. You can even bury or down vote a story to prevent a competitors story from making the front page. Its like Boiler Room cutthroat stock exchange antics except the combatants are in their underwear in the comfort of their own basement. Recently some small time diggers have been on a witch hunt accusing the Digg elite of using scripts to auto Digg stories. The more stories the power diggers digg the stronger their profiles become. I am a member of Digg and as a member I am also outraged. Outraged that anyone gives this much of a shit about Digg. Digg is a nice website but it is just a website.
For some though Digg comes before friends, family, significant other, and significant mistress. Unlike regular zombies who are temporarily satisfied by eating a delicious brain digg zombies must continue to digg to build their profiles and friends list so that they can be popular. How do I know this? I was a digg zombie and still am sometimes. The other thing I find comical about digg is that in the comments of an article digg users tend to be negative, petty, and whiny little bitches. Some of these guys I swear have a nice generic insult of the day calendar that they bust out. A sad, angry man on digg might make a great painting especially if you could capture the frustration as they punch away at the keyboard. In summary digg is a cool site as long as you keep your diggnity.
9021Oh really?
90210 returns to the air tonight with an almost all new cast making it the saddest reclamation project since Stallone's recent ruination of the Rambo and Rocky series. Has Hollywood just plain run out of ideas? What other old shows are they going to bring back? Since they are getting ridiculous my first vote is to bring back Happy Days. The Fonz could be played by Kirk Cameron of growing pains marking his triumphant comeback from spending time with his family. Richie could be played by ??? I have no idea since I haven't seen a red headed male teenager on TV in years. I guess you could plug in Michael Cera from Superbad, dye his hair red, and add some freckles in makeup. Also why not do another Sex in the City? You could make the ladies younger, faster, hipper, and even sluttier. It doesn't matter who your cast is, just make them in their mid twenties and have the sex drives of hormone enchanced rabbits. Besides original ideas are overrated, or just too hard to come up with. It's all been done anyways so just do it again and again.
Another great idea for the brainless Hollywood producer is to take a show currently on air and make a rocking spin off show. ABC can do a More Desperate Housewives spin off with ladies that sleep around, get murdered, or be total bitches every five seconds instead of every ten seconds. Twice the drama, twice the fun, and three times the ridiculous plot lines. Smallville could become Smallerville following the exploits of superman during his childhood from three to ten. Must be nice to be able to fly home to take naps when at Pre-school or ward off the almighty cooties. Originality and thinking is past its prime in Hollywood. The best ideas are ideas that can come to you in five seconds, which is exactly how I came up with this blog.
Cereal box advice
Have you ever noticed that the back of cereal boxes try to give you advice on how to live your life? They give you lists like ten things you can do instead of watching TV, or ten ways to help the earth. Every single list is the same and they always tell me to go fly a kite. Go fly a kite? How many people still fly kites? I never found kite flying to be very fun as a kid the few times that I got that flying red time waster into the air. The other thing I noticed about cereal box advice is that they never tell people to go take a hike. I guess it's cause they are afraid of potentially offending people if they take that phrase the wrong way. I'm pretty sure that most people would be able to figure out that they didn't mean go take a hike you fat lazy blob.
Also why does a cereal box get to usurp so much authority and tell everyone what they should or should not do with their free time? I know breakfast is the most important meal of the day but I didn't know that gave cereal boxes the right to be Dr. Phil, Oprah, the mayor, and my parents all rolled into one. Only those people can try to tell me what to do. The other thing I've noticed is that when cereal boxes tell you what to do they don't set the bar very high. They tell you to go spend time with your family, but never to cure cancer. They tell you to go plant a tree, but never to save the rain forest. They tell you to eat more cereal and not to eat donuts. Just bad advice all around. Take the cereal box power away. Instead of reading the back of cereal boxes go fly a kite, plant a tree, and take a hike.
Party Economics
As everyone know times are tough. Gas prices are kicking our ass, homes are foreclosing, and the stock market looks pretty iffy. Another thing that has died is the house party. Lets take a look at this hypothetical conversation between Doug and Raj taking place at the local 99 cent store.
Doug: Hey Raj. Dude I'm having a kick ass party Friday night you down?
Raj: Yeah man where at?
Doug: My place bro... at my parents house. You know, tough times, tough times.
Raj: Oh ok. Is there going to be alcohol?
Doug: Naw can't afford it man. Tap water is free though.
Raj: (disappointed) K. Any ladies coming?
Doug: Yeah some of my sisters friends. We're not allowed too many people at the house.
Raj: Isn't your sister 17?
Doug: Yeah but she's got one friend who is 19.
Raj: Is she cute?
Doug: She might be in the dark.
Raj: Ok well I don't think I can make it. Your house is like ten miles away and I got to save gas.
Doug: I hear you dude. Hey before you go can you drop me off at the bus station?
Raj: You got fifty cents for gas?
Doug: Almost...
Raj: Sorry man, see you around.
Top six Celebrity Spies
With the recent revelation that Chef Julia Child worked undercover for what is now known as the CIA credible sources revealed several other former Celebrity agents. I always wondered why Julia Child served Cold War cuts and now I know.
1. Mister Rogers- His slogan was won't you be my neighbor unless you're a dirty communist. Beneath his nice guy exterior Rogers was responsible for the deaths of many Russian spies using the sweater strangler technique.
2. Joan Rivers- A master of disguises due to her many plastic surgeries, Rivers made many missions into Nicaragua and Vietnam. She could never change her distinct voice however and was captured many times only to be sent back. Her captors couldn't handle criticism of their guerilla style uniforms.
3. The Odd couple Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau- The Odd couple indeed. These two nearly fought to the death several times during their spy careers including a cane fight on the set of Grumpy Old men. Lemon was brainwashed by Moscow to steal U.S. secrets, which is why he was the uptight one. Matthau was the CIA counter to stop Lemon and the Odd Couple TV show was the vehicle to ensure that they always crossed paths.
4. Desi Arnaz as Ricky Ricardo- A U.S. national hero, Ricardo was instrumental in stopping the Cuban Missile crisis. His famous quote "Fidelllllll don't you dare blow up the US of A" calmed Castro's nerves. Despite preventing a global crisis he was unable to stop Lucy and that darn pie machine.
5. Barbara Walters- Alive for more than 300 years her Benedict Arnold interview landed her a gig with the CIA. It's rumored that during one interrogation of Hitler her barrage of inaudible questions made him ask for a Teddy bear to hug.
6. Regis Philbin- The U.S. answer to Chinese water torture Philbin was a fixture at Guantanamo. With his patented bitter beer face and endless amounts of energy and enthusiasm Philbin cracked every single terror suspect in less than three hours. One suspect claimed "he was just too annoying and I gave up everything."
Celebs license to suck
Celebrities can get away with anything: Arrogance, negligence, murder, but their biggest transgression is their license to suck. Time after time a celebrity who succeeds in movies or sports tries to crossover into the music industry and nobody stops to warn them that they are awful. Lindsey Lohan, Shaq/Kobe, and Scarlett Johansen are major stars that tried to launch successful singing careers with zero talent. No one in their mammoth sized entourages told them that people have ears. We can hear you and you suck. Some of you sound like spider monkeys fighting crying movie theater babies.
Then there are the singers like Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears who try to act in films. Remind me if The Dukes of Hazard, Employee of the Month, Glitter, or Crossroads won any Oscars? In fact the above named actresses were like Barbie/Bratz dolls brought to life with performances so wooden and dumb that they turn little girls fantasies into nightmares. The next step for celebrities is to take over the show America's got talent where the celebrities can try juggling and fire breathing to impress David Hasselhoff. Even if Tom Cruise lights himself on fire and suffers third degree burns during his fire breathing act his agent will shower him with praise. It's on us the general public to put an end to this charade. Don't watch Kazaam on the Disney Channel, ignore the new KFed Cd ( I guess he is a celebrity), and stop supporting Oprah's modeling career by buying Oprah Magazine. Let them know they suck
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