 Jackal
Yoga
Today, after some persuasion, I decided to go along to the local yoga class. I lack awareness of my body and the mind/body connection and found it hard to listen/feel what my body was telling me. I was a bit concerned when the yogi started to talk about getting deep to our core and that emotions would be released and that we were to let go. I feel I was not able to relax enough to get close to that sort of release however, I did enjoy the class and feel it will be positive 'me time' .
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Video
I wanted to say thanks to those of you who have taken the time to watch the above video. It's about what Borderline Personality Disorder feels like. When I first viewed it I cried... it was as if everything I'd ever wanted to say about BPD was being said for me.Hopefully it will bring more awareness of this disorder and bring understanding, compassion and acceptance.
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so...
The last month has been a mix of triumphs/failures over familiar self-defeating habits, and efforts to engage. I have battled away thoughts of withdrawing and at times I have succumbed to them.I invited a friend from my summer creative arts course to come for coffee in my new home. That was quite a big deal as I cannot remember the last time I ever had anyone other than family come to my home.I am working hard on the idea of friends being like layers of an onion. In my world it has always been all or nothing - and as a result I have only ever had one friend at a time and all my energy is invested in that friend. Whatever is mine is theirs... I do anything, go anywhere for them. I give them my heart. There would be an intensity which I now realize is one sided.Anyway back to the onion - I am trying to come to terms with the idea that friends can be let in at various levels and do not have to be either all the way in or all the way out.It feels a little uncomfortable to call someone who I do not know well or who does not know me well - a friend.A wave of tiredness has swept over me and the desire to withdraw is ever so strong. My focus is on my new home and feeling safe there, and Milky ( my dog ). Anything else just seems too overwhelming. I even struggled to go to the art/craft group in where I get support and can be creative. I just could not cope with trying to put on a brave face and be around others. So for 4 weeks I did not attend. When I returned I gave out my new address and phone number in effort to be more open to friendships.This week has been especially difficult with bad nights and anxiety. I feel frustration as my new doctor and CPN don't know me and I am, on the outside, all smiles saying,'yes I am fine, thanks.' but inside I am screaming nobody understands. I know it is my responsibility to tell folks what is going on and that folks cannot mind read but it just seems so important to convince everyone I am okay. Everyone thinks I am doing so well and coped so well with the move, I have a lovely new home. a wonderful energetic dog, family close by and have new avenues to explore... so it feels wrong for me to be feeling so bad. I'm afraid people won't understand. I am glad and relieved to have moved but I guess I have to accept I cannot just escape the inner/outer turmoil of being me.My anxiety is compounded as I am meeting up with a woman on Monday, who also suffers from mental illness, to go for a walk. She recently lost her mum and has no-one and wants to lose weight. The meeting is being facilitated by a care worker who feels we may be able to support each other. I am terrified but feel a deep sense of compassion that she has lost her mum and has no-one. I feel a responsibility that I make the connection with her work. I am full of doubt and 'what if's'. I am scared she does not like me and it will feel like another failure. I am not a talker and am very quiet which is often taken the wrong way. I know that the woman will also be anxious and possibly have the same fears as me but maybe if we are brave enough...
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Best thing I've done.
Milky and I are all moved in to our new home and well on the way to being organised so I can finally sigh in relief. It has been a hectic, stressful few months and to see everything come so well together has made me realize it has all been worthwhile. I'd go as far as to say best thing I've done! I am happy and already seeing the benefits from the move and in having Milky. Countryside life suits me. It is peaceful... I can hear the birds singing, I can see the fields and trees and buzzards soaring over them. I am out walking in the fields looking down over the valley... the openness, the colours, sounds and smells of the outdoors when walking Milky fills my being.Milky ( 8 months old ) draws a lot of attention when we are out and about in town and means I am engaging with others which will hopefully build my confidence. Being a small town I often see familiar faces to say hello to and of course Milky has lots of admirers and four-legged buddies. My mother has been instrumental in everything going so well and I can't thank her enough for all her help, support and her undying belief in me. When I had my doubts she held strong in her belief... my fears she reassured, when hiccups occurred she remained positive and never once did she complain. I know the last two years have been tough on her however, through it all it has brought us closer together. Thanks mum... I love you so very much.My new life is beginning...
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Bloggers Annex
I have spent the last two years working on my photography and my creative writing has taken a back seat. No new poetry, no new short stories... in truth no real inspiration. Throw in lack of confidence and loss of concentration and my writing has come to a grinding halt.I was encouraged by Mrs 4444 over at www.halfpastkissintime.com/to submit a piece of writing to BloggersAnnex an online site in which states -' So, what’s the point of this site?Basically, the idea is that only the best posts will be published. Our hope is that it will feel like an honor to have something published here. If you have something in your archives that you’re in love with—something you want to give more exposure to, we’d love to take a look at it. 'So imagine my surprise to discover my 'Caveman' piece has been posted on www.bloggersannex.com/ today.
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New Home - Update
The offer I put in for the bungalow was accepted - entry date 18th August. My head is spinning with excitement, anxiety, fear, and possibilities for a new start.Update 23 August 2008It's been a busy few weeks but things are slowly falling into place. I got the keys to my new home on the 18th. I decided not to rush to move in until I was happy with the decor etc. and I'm in the process of getting quotes to have the place completely redecorated. Carpets and flooring are arranged and will only be fitted once place has been decorated. Then I will move in... sometime in September.Milky is doing well and is so full of energy and mischief... our training is going well and I have been taking her to places to get her better socialized and she is getting so many admirers. This week I got Milky spayed and her post op instructions advise her over the next two weeks to do minimal exercise and any excerise even in garden to be done on the lead. So my hands are rather full as she is a bundle of energy - it almost feels cruel to have her reined in but for her own good, until the stitches are out I don't want her over doing things.
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it's a dog's life
As you can imagine the last few days have been hectic, fun and tiring. There has been doggy breath, smelly farts, cavorting about, snoring, runny poo, drool and slobber - and that's just ME!!!Milky is settling in slowly - although she is 6 months old she is only used to roaming free on a farm so I am having to condition her to the small town environment. She is so inquisitive that she stops to take in every new sight, sound, smell... a 15 minute walk actually takes an hour.She adores other dogs and is very gentle with the cats... she is used to cats and is curious but is not aggressive however, the cats are giving her a wide berth for now.Milky has never worn a collar or been on a lead but she seems content enough when wearing the collar/harness. I am introducing her slowly to her neighbourhood and hopefully her confidence will grow.Tonight she is going to her first puppy party at the vets. It is to help her socialize with other puppies and for her to associate the vet as something good and not to be feared. The puppy party is run by the vet and a nurse and will give owners tips and advice on all aspects of dog care and will hopefully give me confidence and reassurance too.I feel such a responsibility towards Milky's well being and cannot begin to fathom the responsibility it must take to have a child. My mind boggles ( as well as other things ;). It is quite terrifying incase I do something wrong in her care - I suppose it is normal to want the best for her well being and happiness.I have enrolled us on a puppy obedience class which will teach me the basics of good handling which will benefit Milky.I have a crate for her but as yet have not spent time getting her crate trained other than having it there for her to see and explore. I feel she has enough to cope with at the moment and once she is more settled I will try to get her in her crate so she feels safe and secure when in it and alone.She is just so adorable and huggable but then maybe I am biased ! ;)
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Introducing Milky
Meet Milky my 6 month old boxer pup.
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Challenging Times
I have been reluctant and unsure on how to share the goings on over the last few weeks as major changes are taking place and I have been rather detached.To cope I have put a distance between myself and reality. I'm basically watching the events unfold as if it were happening to someone else.However, fact is I have sold my flat in Edinburgh and move out on the 31st July. The removals will be in and my belongings packed in storage, as I do not yet know if the bungalow in the countryside is still going to be on sale by the time I am able to put in an offer. The uncertainty is difficult. But hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to put in an offer.As I said I have not 'felt' anything yet and I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad. The city, as much as I love Edinburgh, had a negative, toxic impact on me and it was a lonely place to be. Whereas where I am moving to has so many plus points which will have a positive impact on my mental and physical health.However, I will have a new mental health team to support me and this is causing me much anxiety. After working hard to build a therapeutic relationship with my GP, psychologist and CPN over the last couple of years it feels difficult to 'start over'. I will see a new psychiatrist on 7th August when I go for an assessment of my needs. What services are available will dictate what treatment I will get. My anxiety is partly due to feeling such shame about having BPD - it comes with much stigma from the professionals that it makes me feel so uncomfortable because I fear they will dislike me due to the reputation of this disorder. I get defensive. The other reason is it takes me a while to trust anyone that the process takes so much time. My current psychologist thinks we need to continue working together for a bit longer for consistency sake. With so many changes it will be beneficial to ease my difficulties by still having a familiar face to help support me during the transition. It may take many months on a waiting list before I get a new psychologist.I am anxious that I will soon be living on my own again. The last two years I have basically had 24 hour support and have felt the safety net. My fear is that due to my mental illness I will not be able to cope on my own and that I spiral and withdraw again. I may be leaving Edinburgh behind but I will still be 'me' and all the difficulties that causes. So much seems to be resting on this move and wonder if I have a false belief that by moving everything will suddenly be better again. But it is the general concensus that the quality of my life will be better... hopefully over the coming months I will settle in okay.I worry that I will let folks down - it feels so important to be strong and not crumble but I know challenges are ahead. I am learning to take each step at a time - I find I can only cope with one thing at a time. The whole process of moving is so overwhelming that I wish I could just press a magic button and everything that needs to be done will be done. But life is not that simple and I guess that is the beauty of it all.
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Life lessons
Jackal is having a life lesson on - P A T I E N C E. Jackal is learning she has NO patience.*Jackal mutters under her breath and twiddles her thumbs*You didn't know I could multi-task eh?? I know, I sometimes even impress myself ! ;)
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